Sex is always a hot conversation topic in our liberated culture. Everybody wants to know how to get more of it, get more pleasure from it, and achieve more potency. But this article isn’t for everyone who wants better sex. People engage in sex for many reasons. For some it is a pleasant form of exercise and stress relief. For others sexual conquest can feed their sense of self esteem, making them feel more important. For others it’s about taking care of another’s needs in return for security, money, or love.
This article is not for them. This article is written for those couples who would like their experience of sexual intimacy to be a beautiful and ecstatic ritual of connecting that will deepen their love for each other while maximizing the pleasure of both partners. I will also show how we can use the power of hypnosis to open ourselves easily to this new dimension of passionate intimacy.
In my work with couples, I have been surprised by how many of them know very little about the subtle dimensions of pleasure and bonding that committed sex is capable of delivering. Often this ignorance has led them to the edge of divorce. So I am going to describe in this chapter just like I do for these troubled clients exactly how sex becomes ecstatic love making.
When I was in High School, the boys in the locker room had a metaphor for sexual activity that I found amusing: Baseball. The “goal” according to us ignorant teenagers was to gain each of three “bases”, and then run on in to “score.” First base was kissing and necking, second base included all body parts above the waist, and third base involved getting under her panties to play, including the pleasures of mutual masturbation and oral sex. Scoring, of course, was reserved for the act of sexual intercourse and was regarded as the holy grail of our quest. This model is in some ways ridiculously naïve and sexist, especially as it regards sex as a game of conquest in which the boy, in scoring, “wins” a victory over a girl’s virtuous nature.
But in my studies of sexuality there are some very valuable truths hidden within this gross metaphor. So I will use this metaphor in describing the best loving sex in the world, with the understanding that seducing a girl as a sexual object, a game to be won, is absolutely not my intention. Instead, we will include in this article a new way of “scoring” in our game of baseball that brings greater joy and bonding for both partners. Although this article focuses on monogamous heterosexual relationships, other kinds of loving sexual relationships can also benefit from this model.
First base is the place where all good sex begins. But first base does not begin with a kiss. I believe first base begins with warm hugs, words of love and acknowledgement, and the use of looks, gestures, clothing, and especially words, to produce the warmth and arousal that lead to good sex. Many married people (mostly men I’m afraid) have a hard time with this. I recall a husband of many years writing to Ann Landers “Why should I waste my time with all this kissing stuff? I did all that back in High School.” My response, like Ann’s, was indignation.
No wife should be required to spread her legs and deliver the goods on demand, as this writer insisted was his right of matrimony. It cheapens the love between both of them, weakens the bonds of their marriage, and will lead, rightfully, to resentment, anger, and finally divorce. Instead these precious High School rituals of holding hands at the movie or on a walk in the park, kissing gently under the trees, and talking softly on the couch with his arm around her and her head on his shoulder are rituals of love every bit as important as intercourse for preserving the love between you at any age and regardless of how many years you have been together. All of these are elements of first base.
Here are some other elements of first base that are as important for committed couples in their 60s as for eager teenagers.
Clear any issues which are current between you that might block your love for each other. (See my chapter on conflict resolution for details about how to do this.)
- Look into each other’s eyes and smile.
- Tell your partner what you love most about them.
- Tell your partner how much you want or need to make love to her …and only her.
- Tell your partner something about their body, their personality or their behavior that is an irresistible sexual turn on
- Hug each other in a close protective way, rubbing your whole bodies against each other while fully or partially clothed.
- Dance slowly to your favorite song, maybe undressing each other slowly.
- Kiss gently every part of your partner’s face, neck and ears, while whispering in their ears how much you love them and what plans you have for their body, in luscious detail.
- Begin kissing gently and slowly, gradually introducing tongue kisses
Although the male is more often the initiator of sexual activity, I believe it is the woman’s right, indeed her obligation, to regulate the speed of progression from one “base” to another. This is especially true if the woman feels easily overwhelmed by her man’s sexual eagerness, or has been a victim of rape or sexual abuse in the past. But even with normal couples, the natural tendency of the male is to drive as quickly as possible toward that penetration and orgasm which is his biological imperative. By itself this instinct would make sex a boring and mechanical operation.
But the woman’s energy is naturally inclined to go slow and cherish each moment of intimacy. So I train the men I work with to ask their partner before moving from one base to another. I ask him to surrender to her feminine wisdom and trust her control of the speed of arousal so as to maximize the pleasure for both of them. I teach the women to lovingly and tantalizingly keep them both in one base’s activity until she feels absolutely ready to move to the next base. If the man moves too fast and without asking, some sort of delicious sensual “punishment” can be established to restore the proper authority to the woman, while increasing both partners’ pleasure.
These processes not only slow down the male juggernaught to increase their mutual pleasure, they also give the woman a sense of power over her sexual experience which is an aphrodisiac for most women. Men, if you are willing to surrender to your woman’s instincts in this matter, you will be rewarded with far greater sexual pleasure for yourself, and a lot of gratitude and hero worship from your woman. Trust me on this, you will not be disappointed.
Of course variety is the spice of love. Some women prefer sometimes being swept away by an aggressive man who “has his way” with them. Some women enjoy being the aggressive initiator at times who is horny and will not take no for an answer. I encourage both partners to explore all of their sexual fantasies together and to act out those that feel fun for both of them. However, I have discovered that even with these tasty fantasies, the three bases need to be honored.
Second base represents a level of sexual and emotional intimacy that is poorly understood by most teenagers and even savvy adults. Most of us experience this base as a chance for him to grope at her breasts. Period. In fact this sacred part of the ritual of lovemaking is about something far more important: it is establishing the bond between his inner child and the loving mother within her, and her inner child finding safety and comfort in the arms of his inner father.
If you find this part of the process scary or even disgusting, I suggest that this is not simply a matter of sexual preferences. You and perhaps your partner have serious blocks to intimacy which should be addressed in hypnotherapy by someone trained in Inner Child work, so that deeper intimacy and joy is possible between you. For more information about how inner child work can increase love and intimacy see our website at http://www.alchemyinstitute.com .
Now, with the man usually providing the thrust and the woman controlling the speed, we are ready to move to third base. Third base is that exciting place where we get into our partner’s underpants to play. For centuries in our repressed patriarchal culture this part of lovemaking was clouded by ignorance and shame. Until women’s and sexual liberation arrived in the 1960’s, masturbation and oral sex were terrible sins, a woman’s private parts were unknown to most men, and female orgasm was an embarrassment to those women who somehow managed to experience it.
Many women were taught their genitals and their sexual feelings were ugly and shameful. Fortunately all of that has changed. In our culture this area of lovemaking has experienced a glorious rebirth in the last half century. There is little I need to add to our cultural understanding of this area. But I will offer a few tips for the partner who wishes to maximize both the pleasure and the bonding of this special experience of sexual intimacy.
Scoring is the next step. That’s because for most men it is not sex until we do “score.” But, while this scoring method may work in the adolescent game of sexual conquest, in the game of emotional bonding that is committed and loving sex such a system of scoring is decidedly inadequate. The woman in my life has taught me that each base when fully enjoyed must count as a score.
Furthermore, the sport of baseball requires only a simple progression from base 1 through 2 and 3 to home plate. In the game of love, the bases should progress with lots of variety. A typical session between two lovers could include base 1, then 2, then back to 1, then a hint of 3, then back to 2, then up to 3, then back to 1, then 4, then a quick withdrawal for more kissing at 1, etc. (So far, we have a cumulative score of 9 if anyone is counting…and my partner usually is!) While a general progress from 1 to 4 is important, and no base should be skipped, the most fun and bonding occurs when both partners move up and down through various levels of arousal and intimacy. On the other hand a rigid adherence to the standard 3 base pattern of “foreplay” will lead to sex that is repetitive, impersonal, and boring.
If you are inspired by the possibilities that this article offers to your love life, start by sharing this article with your partner. If they are also inspired, you can start making sweeter love today. If they resist, take this article to a marriage counselor and both of you discuss it with this expert.
So how can hypnosis help couples who are ready to heal the loving in their love relationship? I have found hypnosis therapy helpful in all of these situations:
Many people with sexual problems have experienced sexual or emotional abuse in their childhood. A hypnotherapist skilled in rescuing the inner child using both emotional release and emotional clearing therapies can provide great help in freeing the body of the physical tensions and pain resulting from these traumas. See the articles about this on our website.
The inner mate is a valuable resource for showing each of us through guided imagery how to experience these rituals of intimacy. In the highly suggestible state of hypnosis, we can experience in vivid multisensory imagery exactly how each of these “bases” looks, feels, and tastes, with the help of the inner mate. See our website for more details.
I have mentioned in other articles the importance of conflict resolution for good lovemaking. A skilled hypnotherapist can help release deep anger and guilt from the body where it is stored, and can help you learn to process your unhappy feelings without wounding your partner or yourself.
It’s important for committed couples to remember that sex is only one of the many rituals of bonding that make a marriage harmonious. Even the best sex is no substitute for the kind of rituals described in my article, Rituals of Bonding.