How to distract from intrusive thoughts so I don’t ruin my relationships : mentalillness

(24f)I don’t have a diagnosis or anything but for the past maybe year and a half I’ve been obsessive and paranoid and insecure about any man that I have any non platonic interactions with. I don’t know the way to describe it but I get really overwhelmed and terrified and go in circles of made up things I create in my head to make myself cry about . Like for example , a person might leave when I walk in the room and I have to stop myself from drilling my boyfriend about why they left and how it must somehow be because of me and that it must be because they don’t like my energy . In the past I’ve been very vocal about these obsessions that occur many many times a day but I’ve noticed I ruin all my potential relationships by seeming crazy so I’ve been trying to just be quiet cause I know it’s all probably made up in my head and the only thing that actually ruins things is me taking action on my thoughts . I know insecure crazy chicks are generally not attractive so I’m trying to learn new ways to hide the stuff I think . Lately I’ve been feeling the resurgence of these feelings so I’ve been fasting because I think if I’m cuter and skinnier it will make up for this it’s so hard to not let these thoughts go to my head and I feel like everyone notices and it makes me a less desirable partner and makes ppl want to leave me . Its a self destructive thing I have to avoid. I’m supposed to be on ssri and anti psychotic but I’ve gained a lot of weight and rly want to lose weight so I’m off of them rn . Any advise on how to stay appearing like the perfectly chill gf who doesn’t care about anything or have baggage or problems lol ? I try to just stay quiet or only say funny things

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An open minded personality.. fun to be with, because of my positive vibes. God fearing, for without God I am nothing.. Moved with compassion when dealing with you, not selfish or self-centered...

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