It’s easy to get overly excited about that new person you just met, but real love can’t (and shouldn’t) be rushed.
You met someone new. Yay!
Everything seems to be going great. You’re texting all the time, he facetimes you when he gets off work, she sends you cute emojis when you first wake up.
The feelings are strong, you’re starting to talk about things like meeting family or taking that weekend trip a little quicker than usual, but something about this just feels “right.”
Different than the last times.
Alright…it’s faster than usual and the last times you’ve done this it didn’t really work out…but this time it’s different.
Listen – there are plenty of times when someone REALLY IS “sure” about their partner from the beginning. Hell, my dad proposed to my mom on their first date (no, she didn’t accept…but now 40+ years later they’re still together and wildly happy. So, he knew something right off the bat).
I’m not saying you can’t know that quickly, but there are also A LOT of stories where someone was hiding something, or their true colors hadn’t shown yet, or they love bombed you and disappeared just as quickly as they showed up.
If you’ve noticed a pattern of doing this to yourself, it’s time to start asking why you keep missing the red flags of someone who’s just trying to win you over for selfish reasons.
Here are some questions to (honestly) ask yourself:
“How secure am I about my own value?”
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.
When we aren’t clear and confident on our own self-worth, we tend to seek external validation in order to convince ourselves that we are desirable, or attractive, or wanted.
In doing so, it’s VERY easy to slip into patterns of clinging to people who show us even the slightest hint that they might be interested.
The feeling of approval is intoxicating, but also dangerous if we have not first felt it from ourselves.
“Do I REALLY believe love is out there for me?”
“But James, doesn’t falling in love TOO quickly prove that you DO believe love exists?”
You see, infatuation is not the same as love. Attention is not the same as love. And, if we get into a habit of confusing these feelings and emotions, one can surely be mistaken for the other.
If we aren’t completely convinced that real love exists for us, we’ll attach ourselves to whatever feels the closest to it. Or, we may ACTUALLY believe that it IS love, if we’ve not felt the real thing in the past.
Love takes time to build, it isn’t felt after the first few dates.
“Do I want a relationship TOO badly?”
A relationship between two mature and adoring people is a wonderful thing. It brings joy and light and love to your life – if it’s entered into for the right reasons.
Sometimes we feel internal or external pressure to be in a relationship so much that we grab onto the next person who might bring it to us.
This is often a result of failing to build a happy and fulfilling single life first.
If you really LOVE the life that YOU are living while you’re single, you certainly won’t settle for the wrong person who will pull you away from it.
You’ll be dedicated to finding the right person who will enhance your life, not complicate it.
The good news is that breaking these patterns is simple.
Notice I didn’t say “easy.”
But, simple in the sense that a few adjustments to your mindset can help avoid falling into the same trap again:
First, get abundantly clear on what you want…and why.
It’s impossible to know what (or who) we’re looking for if we haven’t gotten a clear vision of that person in our minds. Not just what they look like, but how they make us feel about ourselves. Are they compassionate? Kind? Caring? Where do they want to live? How many kids do they want? What type of life do you want to build TOGETHER?
Next, understand that YOUR time is valuable, too.
If the other person is always the prize to be won, you’ll always fall into the “people pleaser” role that so many of us have taken on before.
You’ll be so willing to meet their needs that you’ll end up sacrificing your own in the process.
You’ll be hiding your real opinions so you don’t disagree with them.
You’ll ALWAYS be the one reaching out to make plans, or saying hello first.
Dating will feel like YOUR responsibility, not a joint effort.
When you understand that THEY should be pursuing YOU, too, the dynamics will change.
Sure, you need to earn their time and attention…but they need to do the same for yours.
Keep a REALISTIC view of who they are.
Starry-eyes are often the cause of blurry vision.
It’s great to meet someone you’re excited about, as long as the excitement is based on who the person actually is, and not just who you HOPE they are.
Lastly – create the life that YOU love.
Do you know who doesn’t forget their value and tie it to someone else’s approval? People who are fulfilled and passionate about the life they’ve worked to build for themselves.
Getting super clear on your identity, purpose, and IMPACT you want to create in this world is the first step to constructing a life where all of the pieces are fully aligned.
A new person you’ve just met simply won’t have the influence to pull you off of that solid foundation.
Set small goals for yourself and work on building trust and credibility with YOU.
Prove yourself to yourself.
Show yourself that YOU are worthy of YOUR OWN respect, and you’ll stop spending so much time seeking it from others.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.